I mentioned in a previous post that one of the amazing things about having a baby is that your spouse will suddenly help you manage your breasts so that your sweet little baby can nurse in those early days. They handle them in a utilitarian way (as opposed to any sort of recreational way of the past. Way, way, waaaaay past. Ahem. Moving on.)
I had a really great experience...Mike was so helpful that I know I couldn't have managed without his loving encouragement. Now, nearly four months later, the "question" is in the back of my mind daily. Do I keep nursing?
I'm back at work so my day is scheduled around 2 pumping sessions. I'm so busy that sometimes I keep pushing the time back until all the sudden my chest feels like it's on fire and I notice the buttons on my shirt are about to pop off and hit the person sitting across from me.
I rush to grab my pump and enter The Pump Room (no - not the iconic restaurant in Chicago). This:
It is a dirty, dark, tiny closet filled with boxes and extra office crap. I moved a bunch of stuff so I could get access to an outlet. It's disgusting and I loathe every time I enter.
I hate it. I've hated pumping since the first time I had to do it. I don't have a big supply so every time I would get more than 1.5 oz from one side I was jumping for joy and sending pictures of the gold to Daddy in his office.
I try to time it now so that my last session at work is around 4 or 5 pm. Then I don't have to go again until 9 or 10 pm at night. Until a couple of days ago, I was also getting up at 1 or 2 am to pump. Um, that BLOWS. Especially when Luke started sleeping from 8 pm to 5 am (that is now a thing of the past, but I'll save my lamenting about that for another post...). The last few days, I try to hold off my middle of the night session until he wakes up around 4 or 5 am. I bring him into bed and nurse until we have to get up for work. BUT - he's such a lazy nurser in the early morning that many times I end up having to pump as soon as I get to work because I'm still so full.
I've gotten better at pumping over time, and if I go at least 5 hours between sessions I can usually get 6-7 oz. Just barely enough for 1 bottle. Only thing is, Luke needs a bottle way more often than every 5 hours. We've been giving him formula bottles with cereal for several weeks now at night. That has helped keep the stock up for his day-time feedings.
He's been having some pretty fussy days lately (no surprise) so we thought we would try formula during the day as well. Adelia was quick to tell me that formula babies get constipated...was that supposed to be a deterrent? I don't know.
Anyway, the "question" is now bigger than ever...if he is having more good days than bad on formula, do I stop pumping?
I love having that closeness with him in the morning. It's the only time I nurse him (except for on the weekends sometimes). Problem is that because I don't have a big supply, I don't always have enough to give him when he's hungry.
Being able to feed my baby is such a good feeling. I guess only another mama knows what I mean by that. I don't have any problem with giving him formula and if for some reason I COULDN'T breastfeed I wouldn't have had any problems with him having Enfamil or Similac this whole time. I probably would have been a little sad I couldn't have that experience with him, but whatever - babies grow just as well on formula.
I guess I just didn't expect my mind to play such games when I came time to decide if I should continue or not. I'm not one of those mama's who wants their baby attached to them until they're a toddler. Actually, there are times when Luke will look at me when he's nursing and I think the child is just too big (and too alert) to be nursing. But why am I having such a hard time ending it?
I've heard from other mama's that they just know when it's time to quit. I'm ready to stop wearing a bra 24/7, figuring out what I'm going to wear to work so I still have easy access, and would love to never see the word Medela again. For some reason, that's not enough.
One of these days I know I'll get over the hump - until then, I'll do what I can and try not to judge myself more than I judge others. After all, this little face will love me no matter how he gets his milk.
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